Posted by
Steffy
HUGE PART OF MY LIFE STARTED WITH A PROMISE I made to my dad. In our family chronicle, women have always been regarded as fragile and needing protection. Daughters are guarded, not in the physical sense, but with regard to their social and emotional involvement because of a long history of early pregnancies, elopements and untimely marriages. The contract I had with my dad thus made him smile from ear to ear. It was a really serious and extremely courageous commitment to make. And when I told him I would do it, I had no idea that committing myself to a promise not to fall in love while in a college could be torture.
When I entered the campus of the University of the Philippines, Los Baños, I was determined to become a successful student. I told myself I would go to my classes 10 minutes early, spend weekends in the library doing assignments and papers in advance and hang out in fast-food chains only to discuss with classmates the week’s lessons. Then I would join my friends to watch good movies, release my passions on extra-curricular activities and take pictures of myself waving in historical places. Little did I know that my new environment would make it very hard for me to fulfill the deal I struck with my dad.
I met good guys in college, and I was thankful for it because about 90 percent of them were genuinely kind and pleasant, although I cannot say I was really grateful for having so many temptations. I enjoyed driving around with one cute musician who drew lots of women toward him without even trying. I often played with a charming athlete who could be any girl’s crush. And I had an extremely fun guy best friend whom any girl would have been proud to have as a full-time beau.
The UPLB campus, with its beautiful views and lush greens, is a recreation of romantic scenes straight from the movies. Countless times I would walk on fallen white petals and golden brown leaves and feel the cool breeze from the mountain envelope me. My heart would leap at the thought that such moments were perfect for sharing with someone. And every time I had this sentimental seizure, I would respond to prospective relationships by sending cute quotes on my mobile phone to a close guy friend (although now I feel embarrassed that I ever did such things).
It would have been nice to sit in a café, talking endlessly with him about how interesting life can be. On special occasions, it would have been exhilarating to receive beautiful letters professing overflowing love. I would have felt safer if someone was watching over me. Lunches would have been more delightful if he had ordered my favorite food for me. And it would have been dreamlike to fall under the spell of the stars under the clear night sky with him beside me.
But all these I missed because of an oath I now can’t believe I took seriously.
Still, the reality of my situation was that I spent my time the way I wanted to without anybody telling me I couldn’t do this or that. I got to go to hot springs and got drowned in rides in an amusement park without having to drag anybody with me. I got to give my smile to any guy I liked, without a jealous somebody nagging me afterwards. I enjoyed studying and group meetings without being distracted by worries about where somebody was. I got to give a lot of time to my girl friends and filled my memories with the most fun times of my life.
There were indeed a lot of things I missed because I made that promise to my dad, but when I think about it, I could have missed a lot also if I hadn’t. Unfortunately because of that promise and my struggle to remain single, people found me odd. (If they knew my real reason, they would have considered me even more unusual.)
But then I remember my dad saying, “Almost one-fourth of your life you get to spend for yourself, and the rest of the time you do everything with someone else.” Those words were my source of enlightenment and I have never regretted the time I gave to myself alone.
I cannot say I am an exemplary daughter because I made such a difficult promise and kept it in spite of all the temptations and the sacrifices it required. Struggling not to have a boyfriend while in college was no joke, especially because I was thousands of kilometers away from home. What kept me going was my belief that I had nothing to give my parents but the assurance that even when they were not looking, I would still be a good girl. Having kept my word, I truly believe I was.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Posted by
Steffy
I'm 24 and I'm still figuring out a road map. I had aspired to be someone great but with my situation now, it makes me think if I would ever learn how to pinpoint highways and roadblocks on my map.
I want to go back years before when I started my career. My mom or my nanny used to struggle putting skirts on the boy-cut bratty me as I had convinced myself that wearing shorts and sneakers were more convenient in sliding down handrails. Other than that, my aunt had to spend at least an hour moderating my wailing whenever I don't feel like joining class and singing “I'm a Little Teapot” in the afternoon. However with their efforts, I earned success by being a smart kid with lots of stars (aside from being Ms. Holland in the United Nations Day). This gave me a ticket to enter one of the best universities in our city at the age of 7.
What happened then at that point of my career change generally resulted mediocre and sometimes interesting performances. I had learned the art of writing and reading scripts (a handwriting style) before I entered elementary. Although when I saw that nobody actually uses them at that age, I thought that maybe I was a separate entity. But as I started writing my first professional essay, I also realized that I could do print writing. What a prodigy I was! And (proudly smugs) I was always recognized in our bulletin board as “Best in English”. I could write anything with my knowledge on the use of articles like “a” and “an” yet when our teacher gave us a handbook about the Filipino language, I stuttered with every “a-ba-ka-da”. So I wasn't the best of the best, but I could do the multiplication table up to the 12th proficiently and I did graduate.
Another promotion for me was high school which wasn't all that bad but socially, it could be traumatizing. I got to know new friends and cling to the old ones however, only later in our prom pictures could I tell which circle I really was a part of. Professionally speaking, I lost my magic touch as I started to lose my way in tenses. Who could be crazy enough to know all the past-progressive-future-perfect tenses with the subject-tense-object equations? My friend was, and she almost always got perfect scores in our major English exams. I decided to steer away from language and focus on exploding chemical substances or tapping sun-powered calculators. And also, I started delving into the humanities world engulfing myself with art and music. I was a bit glad I didn't go as far as becoming a thespian. All in all, I did nothing exceptional until I got another career advancement to the best school in the country.
That time around I became serious and almost totally focused on every academic requirements. I got a good start in the first semester and in the succeeding school years, I never got lower and further went higher. Not only that but I was never as socially fulfilled as before. Everywhere I go I knew at least somebody or if not, at most a familiar face. I was on fire. It sank on me that what I had become could not get worse because I was super and that I can do anything I want, be anything I want. The point where I was mistaken was marked the moment I graduated.
All the years prior to my serious road trip, I considered to be a shopping spree for a great map. I got one and until now I think it still works as an excellent guide. But the problem is I can't read it even though I thought I can. I knew I wanted my masters in Germany and I was secured with such big exciting step however, I lost the opportunity. I've had different jobs but I've never stayed in one for more than six months. I wanted to teach but there were no openings and I wanted to be in advertisement unfortunately, I was highly discouraged. So I guess I am a bit of a dumdum in navigation.
But life is no race nor are there any final point of arrival. There are only gas stations, convenient stores, and hotels. I've taken a breath of fresh air by driving around and making the most of every sceneries I pass through. I have thrown my map away and later on I'll retire from this road trip when the gas pedal breaks or when the engine finally gives up. I'll recline my chair, take one final look at the sunset, stretch out, and spend one last long deep sleep.
The world is round and the journey never ends. If you set a finish line, you'd end up driving again after that anyway. We all had began our lifework at an earlier age than we had ever realized, and as you live, you would eventually figure out that there is no concluding point of achievement.
It was wise for me to have kept my memories well hidden and ready to be opened again. What I had gone through since the start of my career were not steps to success rather, photographed moments that would remind me how I got to my current highway. There are only happiness, hope, despair, love, and all things taken for granted just like when we drive so fast and overlook a beautiful sunset or an amazing star-filled sky.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006