Recycling Room

HUGE PART OF MY LIFE STARTED WITH A PROMISE I made to my dad. In our family chronicle, women have always been regarded as fragile and needing protection. Daughters are guarded, not in the physical sense, but with regard to their social and emotional involvement because of a long history of early pregnancies, elopements and untimely marriages. The contract I had with my dad thus made him smile from ear to ear. It was a really serious and extremely courageous commitment to make. And when I told him I would do it, I had no idea that committing myself to a promise not to fall in love while in a college could be torture.

When I entered the campus of the University of the Philippines, Los Baños, I was determined to become a successful student. I told myself I would go to my classes 10 minutes early, spend weekends in the library doing assignments and papers in advance and hang out in fast-food chains only to discuss with classmates the week’s lessons. Then I would join my friends to watch good movies, release my passions on extra-curricular activities and take pictures of myself waving in historical places. Little did I know that my new environment would make it very hard for me to fulfill the deal I struck with my dad.

I met good guys in college, and I was thankful for it because about 90 percent of them were genuinely kind and pleasant, although I cannot say I was really grateful for having so many temptations. I enjoyed driving around with one cute musician who drew lots of women toward him without even trying. I often played with a charming athlete who could be any girl’s crush. And I had an extremely fun guy best friend whom any girl would have been proud to have as a full-time beau.

The UPLB campus, with its beautiful views and lush greens, is a recreation of romantic scenes straight from the movies. Countless times I would walk on fallen white petals and golden brown leaves and feel the cool breeze from the mountain envelope me. My heart would leap at the thought that such moments were perfect for sharing with someone. And every time I had this sentimental seizure, I would respond to prospective relationships by sending cute quotes on my mobile phone to a close guy friend (although now I feel embarrassed that I ever did such things).

It would have been nice to sit in a café, talking endlessly with him about how interesting life can be. On special occasions, it would have been exhilarating to receive beautiful letters professing overflowing love. I would have felt safer if someone was watching over me. Lunches would have been more delightful if he had ordered my favorite food for me. And it would have been dreamlike to fall under the spell of the stars under the clear night sky with him beside me.

But all these I missed because of an oath I now can’t believe I took seriously.

Still, the reality of my situation was that I spent my time the way I wanted to without anybody telling me I couldn’t do this or that. I got to go to hot springs and got drowned in rides in an amusement park without having to drag anybody with me. I got to give my smile to any guy I liked, without a jealous somebody nagging me afterwards. I enjoyed studying and group meetings without being distracted by worries about where somebody was. I got to give a lot of time to my girl friends and filled my memories with the most fun times of my life.

There were indeed a lot of things I missed because I made that promise to my dad, but when I think about it, I could have missed a lot also if I hadn’t. Unfortunately because of that promise and my struggle to remain single, people found me odd. (If they knew my real reason, they would have considered me even more unusual.)

But then I remember my dad saying, “Almost one-fourth of your life you get to spend for yourself, and the rest of the time you do everything with someone else.” Those words were my source of enlightenment and I have never regretted the time I gave to myself alone.

I cannot say I am an exemplary daughter because I made such a difficult promise and kept it in spite of all the temptations and the sacrifices it required. Struggling not to have a boyfriend while in college was no joke, especially because I was thousands of kilometers away from home. What kept me going was my belief that I had nothing to give my parents but the assurance that even when they were not looking, I would still be a good girl. Having kept my word, I truly believe I was.